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June 17, 2013
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(Contains: violence/gore)
I actually feel like shit. I just... I don't know, I feel so pointless and stupid.
I hate my art right now, and nothing is going how I want it to. This suck and everything's meaning is fading to me. People who are drawing my characters are getting markings wrong left and right, and it's actually making me cry. I don't know how specific I have to be with my references and I don't know why people keep getting my pride and joys wrong. Maybe I should stop getting you to draw my characters... I hate bringing it to light because I'm ashamed, but I have OCD and you have no idea how much it bothers me to see people draw my characters wrong.. the smallest thing to you can bring me so much pain. I can't stand it when a detail is over-looked and it just isn't.... my character anymore...

I feel horrible, I feel like crying, I feel like hurting something, I feel like screaming, I feel.... almost numb, but I can feel enough to be able to feel every negative emotion and this picture doesn't even come close to representing how I feel because I'm in a horrible art slump and everything I do sucks. Everything I try sucks. Everything I am sucks. I don't need advice on how to improve my art right now. I don't need you telling me "just keep practicing" "just keep working" "just try something new" "just work harder" I don't need that. I work so hard for my art "talent" and what do I get? Nothing. I get shit. I have worked.... so hard... for so many years... for 12 years I have worked non-stop on my art, and what do I get? I get no specific art 'style', no real 'talent', nothing. Nothing is what I have, and nothing is what I will always have. I am a failure, and I will always be a failure. You don't even know. You don't know me, and you don't know what I've been going through for so many years. I'm tired of this shit, and I just want everything to end for me.

I want to say "I don't deserve this, I don't deserve all the pain I experience on a daily basis, but I do. I deserve every little bit of pain, suffering, hurt, remorse, judgment... all of it. I deserve all of it, and I shouldn't complain... I shouldn't, but it's so unbearable, and it's not fucking going away. None of it is going anywhere.... it's like an old friend. It's been with me for years, and it's going to stick by me through thick and thin. Nothing can help me. Nothing can fix me. I'm so broken, nothing can hold me together forever. Few things, few people have a possibility, but... They'll all leave me in the end because who wants to be near a fucking failure, outcast, ugly nobody like me? No one. I was told the other day as I was trying to draw myself "Y'know, it's really saddening, because it's been scientifically proven that we all draw ourselves prettier than we actually are." She didn't know I was drawing myself. She didn't know I've been working since I fell to be able to draw myself accurately... She didn't know and she didn't know. I'm so ugly... I'm so unimportant... I'm so... I'm so nothing.

I am nothing

I deserve to die.
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:iconbadgerqwert:
BadgerQWERT Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
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:iconcoffaefox:
coffaefox Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I... really didn't need to see that, thank you.

That was extremely off-putting and distressing for me.
Reply
:iconnikki60:
nikki60 Featured By Owner Jun 25, 2013   Digital Artist
screw the people who get your characters markings wrong! >:C


i know how you feel bro, i sometimes fell like shit too
Reply
:iconexpecto-patronus13:
Expecto-Patronus13 Featured By Owner Jun 21, 2013
I just need to pipe up here, m'dear. Yes, it's hurting you right now, and yes that sucks. I wish that I could say I knew how you felt so that I could help you get through this, but I don't. But what I do know, is that you are stronger than this. You have always been stronger. You have been at the edge, and without almost any help, you have pulled yourself back. THAT is strength. You are not nothing. You are someone who is loved by a lot of people. You are not untalented. You are the girl who's artwork fascinates me to no end, and who's painting is going to be the first piece of art that I put up no matter where I go. You are not ugly. You are so incredibly beautiful, and I wish that you could see it like other people do. Don't give up. I recognize that the temptation is there, but think about next year! Think about all of the possibilities looming out there! You are so close to stepping out of this little place, and into a whole new life. ALSO, whoever told you that about drawing ourselves prettier, was lying. If you want proof, watch Dove Real Beauty Sketches. Love you forever and for always <3
Reply
:iconcoffaefox:
coffaefox Featured By Owner Jun 21, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
: ) I like you..
Reply
:iconexpecto-patronus13:
Expecto-Patronus13 Featured By Owner Jun 22, 2013
The feeling is mutual <3
Reply
:iconthe-elegant-ibis:
The-Elegant-Ibis Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I don't know what to really say... cause no matter how much people say its ok... its just words. I can't say i understand because, i don't feel what your feeling... I wish there is something i can do... i don't know you at all, but that doesn't stop me from wanting to help. I do know that our worse enemy is ourselves, and if you need to talk... type... to someone... i will listen.. read... you could message me. I'm sorry if my grammar is completely messed up.

P.s. I think you art is awesome X3 so.... yeah...
Reply
:iconcoffaefox:
coffaefox Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I'm not much of a 'talker'. I'm more of a 'keep everything bottled up, then vent in a large paragraph' kind of person.
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:iconthe-elegant-ibis:
The-Elegant-Ibis Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Yeah i'm kinda that way to... but i don't post my vent art ^^; ... Still I'll listen if you ever need someone.
Reply
:icontoxyk-melodi:
Toxyk-Melodi Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
:hug:
Reply
:iconoctilleryinkjet:
OctilleryInkjet Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2013
Sigh. Welcome to my life. Relative unimportance, ubiquitous suicidal feelings, lack of self-worth.

So what? If your three paragraphs are anger at commissionees, feelings of lacking, and some context of deserving, I'm going to say that it's pretty much ridiculous.

As someone who is commissioning others, you have the right to be as specific or vague as you want. You have every right to tell other people to have markings specifically the way you want them. However, it's also a fact of life that you can't control other people, and that people make mistakes. You can either try to desensitize yourself (I know OCD is hard, but try), or do your best to make sure other people remember. There's really nothing else you can change about that. If anything you could try taking a break from commissioning people if it pains you that much.

I don't really know how to respond to your second paragraph; I've never been overmuch an art-ish person, so I might not be able to see things in the same way. I know that art can be really hard and horrific at times, and it must be painful to think that years of work is going nowhere. But again, is there anything you could change about that? I'm not going to tell you any bullshit like "it'll all work out in the end" because that's not how life works. Time doesn't bring about change, people bring about change. Take charge of your own life, don't remember past "mistakes" that aren't really mistakes. I don't know you, that's true, I don't. But do you really have to know someone to know that they're worth it?

Just saying, no one deserves pain. Either that or everyone deserves pain and our lives just suck in general. But as far as I figure, you don't have any specific reason why you deserve it, other than you're a "failure, outcast, ugly nobody," which is a terrible reason as far as I'm concerned. Don't take pain for granted. One more thing. So what if you're ugly? I'm disgusting as hell and I'm just like dude whatever. I can't even draw a self-portrait. Does that mean I'm worth less than a blank sheet of paper? I think... if you look at the comments below, you'll see that there isn't any "unimportant" in you, and you're even less nothing since you exist and wrote this.

I'm glad, honestly, that you could write this blurb with this picture. Some people don't ever tell anyone and at some point it starts internally bleeding and then people could be lost forever without knowing people care about them. I'm relatively new to you and your deviantart, so maybe I have no right to say anything about you; I don't know you. But I value you, I like your art, and I hope that you can make it through.
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:iconcoffaefox:
coffaefox Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I'm sorry for uploading this.

I should have known when I uploaded my feelings that someone would come along and give me the essay on "stop saying 'poor me'. it's ridiculous."
Reply
:iconoctilleryinkjet:
OctilleryInkjet Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2013
:iconsadnessplz: that's not what I meant! I mean like it's ridiculous in that life sucks and all that, but when it comes down to it you can't do much about it, so love yourself and the world can go to hell for sucking :depressed: we love youu :cry:

:tears: :cry: :tears: sorry if I offended you.
Reply
:iconkristalthewolfe:
kristalthewolfe Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2013  Student General Artist
i know this probably doesn't mean much but i want to help i don't know you really at all but i really do want to help no one deserves such pain in death things will get better for every bad thing there's a good thing to fallow weather its big or small it will be there it just takes time and no one is stupid remember that your so smart and pretty why listen or let the lies get to you and your art is amazing just like you I'm just too shy to ever say anything and many others your so talented and have so much skill lies will always come and be thrown at amazing people but we all have to just push them to the side and remember the bright side in things, our happiness we once had and take it back, our happy place, the place that makes you feel safe, the place that means most to you, the place you want to protect, somewhere right in your heart and mind, deep in your memories you just have to find it again and remember ill always be there i know how it was like but there are people who helped me get through it and now i want to help others to so please if there's anyway i can help let me know i really do want to help :icondragonhug:
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:iconcoffaefox:
coffaefox Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I appreciate your words, but I had a hard time understanding them.
Your paragraph is a large wordy sentence with no structure, grammar, or punctuation. Your first comma lies more than halfway down your statement and your first period is nonexistent.

Thank you for the heart behind your words, however unorganized and poorly put together they are.
Reply
:iconkristalthewolfe:
kristalthewolfe Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2013  Student General Artist
yeah I'm sorry, i was never the best writer due to my dyslexia. i just want to help, because like i said no one deserves such pain in death, just life and happiness.
Reply
:iconcoffaefox:
coffaefox Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
thank you. I appreciate your efforts
Reply
:iconswagsodas:
SwagSodas Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I know this feeling very well. I feel like everyday. When I was in school, it's the worse but that's beside the point. Everyone feels ugly, and stupid, and worthless some point in their lives, I'm sure. But eventually, it will get better. If you can remember how you felt when you were happiest, then you'll know that. It's like using a patronus, and your negative feelings are Dementors. uvu
Art takes a frustratingly long time to come up with, and it's fucking ridiculous. But if you've seen how far you've come, then you can believe that it is possible to improve. I've done it, any great artist would have has to have done it. I think it's impossible for someone to have talent. They can have skill, however. I think talent is something you're born with, and skill is something you develop. You have a lot of skill, but it can always be improved upon, everyone's can. You just have to keep working on that little shit.
And Chiima may be a rather difficult character for people who have relatively simple character designs or are unfamiliar with her design. It looks me quite a while to figure her out, and once I have, I feel like I'm missing something. :/ For me, I think it's mostly making her hair fluffy enough because I don't normally use scene hair, or her large ears ;w; I don't have OCD, so I don't know how it feels when people get a marking wrong and it just not sit right, but I do know how it feels to draw her when you're her lover, not her creator.

sorry for such a shit message ;w; it probably did nothing.
Reply
:iconcoffaefox:
coffaefox Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Do not wish to have OCD. It tears one apart, and it seperates them from the crowd because no one else knows how they feel. No one can understand, nor can they even try to because it just won't work. You and hundreds of thousands of other people will never know how much a simple gesture, a simple miscalculation of size or a simple mark in the wrong place can affect me. It's fucking ridiculous and I'm tired of it all

"You just have to keep working on that little shit. I've worked all my life. I have worked for twelve fucking years and nothing is getting better fast enough. I have worked so hard, and I am nowhere near the level of skill at which I should be for the amount of sheer hours, blood, and tears I have put in. I don't think I've even just put in hours anymore. I've put in days, weeks, years and nothing is good enough. I'm so sick and tired of it.
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:iconskylercakes:
SkylerCakes Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
You DONīT deserve it! If someone, It would be me, cause I drew Chiima wrong, and it hured you so much...
I donīt wannah hurt people, or make them cry, thatīs only make be feel like "Iīm the bad guy" Soo Iīm really sorry that I have drea Chiima wrong, but...I feels like, I have done everything but it still isnīt right! D,X
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:iconcoffaefox:
coffaefox Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I understand.
Reply
:iconskylercakes:
SkylerCakes Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Really? You do? but I have drew her wrong soo many times, I just donīt get how to fix it ..:(:tears:
Reply
:iconcoffaefox:
coffaefox Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I've told you how to fix it
Reply
:iconskylercakes:
SkylerCakes Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Yeah I know.... iīm just bad at fixing it......really...bad...
Reply
:iconnoodlethepanda:
NoodleThePanda Featured By Owner Jun 17, 2013  Professional General Artist
No, you don't deserve this.
I don't even know you, and I know that if this is really that bad, you don't deserve this hurt.
I've been through a lot in my life, so I know how it can be.
I promise, it will get better.
If you need anyone to talk to, I'm here.
I mean it...
Reply
:iconcoffaefox:
coffaefox Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
thanks, but I've also been through a lot. I always say "it will get better" but it hasn't. It gets better for a day or two, and then it goes right back where it belongs.
Reply
:iconnoodlethepanda:
NoodleThePanda Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2013  Professional General Artist
Then that means you need a big change in your life.
Are you old enough to move somewhere else?
It may help.
Reply
:iconcoffaefox:
coffaefox Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I'm just graduating. Maybe something will change in university, but maybe the stress of uni will be the thing that kills me. I dunno yet.
Reply
:iconblackwingthealicorn:
BlackwingTheAlicorn Featured By Owner Jun 17, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Believe me. You have a future worth having. You got accepted into that collage/university, etc. If you die, you wouldn't be able to have that bright future that you have created for yourself and those around you. you brighten their lives as they brighten yours. "Death is just a permanent solution to a temporary problem". Don't get me wrong, I've tried jumping into traffic, or the ol' school knife to the wrist. But even I can say that the future is brighter once you get to it.

Also, in case I don't see you this week. Good luck on exams, and have a wonderful, glorious summer. Let that sun in and warm your heart, and mind. When you are feeling cold from the feeling of disbelief, and sadness.
Reply
:iconcoffaefox:
coffaefox Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I, too have tried jumping into traffic, and the ol' knife to the wrist and overdose on medication but it never works. Something wants to keep me around.

the world likes playing with me. It needs something to harass.
Reply
:iconblackwingthealicorn:
BlackwingTheAlicorn Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I can relate to somehow being kept around. So many times have I not died when I should have, even when it wasn't intentional. I've fallen from extreme heights and landed on my head. Should have just cracked it open or went splat. But no, I was merely left with an extreme headache and a large cut on my head. Outside of school I have been beaten to the point of blood loss. I lost a lot of blood in regions of which need lots of it. Yet, I only leave it looking more pail than usual.

The world is cruel, and hurtful. But fate would have otherwise.

Just know that people do care, and would miss you greatly is you were to leave this world. Myself included.
Reply
:iconvcheese:
vcheese Featured By Owner Jun 17, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
<3 I got your back bro.
Reply
:iconcoffaefox:
coffaefox Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
:( <3
Reply
:iconmorningofnight16:
MorningOfNight16 Featured By Owner Jun 17, 2013
Alix, it has all come back before, hasnt it? It will again.
It just takes time
Reply
:iconmorningofnight16:
MorningOfNight16 Featured By Owner Jun 17, 2013
like art wise
Reply
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