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June 17, 2013
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(Contains: violence/gore)
I actually feel like shit. I just... I don't know, I feel so pointless and stupid.
I hate my art right now, and nothing is going how I want it to. This suck and everything's meaning is fading to me. People who are drawing my characters are getting markings wrong left and right, and it's actually making me cry. I don't know how specific I have to be with my references and I don't know why people keep getting my pride and joys wrong. Maybe I should stop getting you to draw my characters... I hate bringing it to light because I'm ashamed, but I have OCD and you have no idea how much it bothers me to see people draw my characters wrong.. the smallest thing to you can bring me so much pain. I can't stand it when a detail is over-looked and it just isn't.... my character anymore...

I feel horrible, I feel like crying, I feel like hurting something, I feel like screaming, I feel.... almost numb, but I can feel enough to be able to feel every negative emotion and this picture doesn't even come close to representing how I feel because I'm in a horrible art slump and everything I do sucks. Everything I try sucks. Everything I am sucks. I don't need advice on how to improve my art right now. I don't need you telling me "just keep practicing" "just keep working" "just try something new" "just work harder" I don't need that. I work so hard for my art "talent" and what do I get? Nothing. I get shit. I have worked.... so hard... for so many years... for 12 years I have worked non-stop on my art, and what do I get? I get no specific art 'style', no real 'talent', nothing. Nothing is what I have, and nothing is what I will always have. I am a failure, and I will always be a failure. You don't even know. You don't know me, and you don't know what I've been going through for so many years. I'm tired of this shit, and I just want everything to end for me.

I want to say "I don't deserve this, I don't deserve all the pain I experience on a daily basis, but I do. I deserve every little bit of pain, suffering, hurt, remorse, judgment... all of it. I deserve all of it, and I shouldn't complain... I shouldn't, but it's so unbearable, and it's not fucking going away. None of it is going anywhere.... it's like an old friend. It's been with me for years, and it's going to stick by me through thick and thin. Nothing can help me. Nothing can fix me. I'm so broken, nothing can hold me together forever. Few things, few people have a possibility, but... They'll all leave me in the end because who wants to be near a fucking failure, outcast, ugly nobody like me? No one. I was told the other day as I was trying to draw myself "Y'know, it's really saddening, because it's been scientifically proven that we all draw ourselves prettier than we actually are." She didn't know I was drawing myself. She didn't know I've been working since I fell to be able to draw myself accurately... She didn't know and she didn't know. I'm so ugly... I'm so unimportant... I'm so... I'm so nothing.

I am nothing

I deserve to die.
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:iconbadgerqwert:
BadgerQWERT Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
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:iconcoffaefox:
coffaefox Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I... really didn't need to see that, thank you.

That was extremely off-putting and distressing for me.
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:iconnikki60:
nikki60 Featured By Owner Jun 25, 2013   Digital Artist
screw the people who get your characters markings wrong! >:C


i know how you feel bro, i sometimes fell like shit too
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:iconexpecto-patronus13:
Expecto-Patronus13 Featured By Owner Jun 21, 2013
I just need to pipe up here, m'dear. Yes, it's hurting you right now, and yes that sucks. I wish that I could say I knew how you felt so that I could help you get through this, but I don't. But what I do know, is that you are stronger than this. You have always been stronger. You have been at the edge, and without almost any help, you have pulled yourself back. THAT is strength. You are not nothing. You are someone who is loved by a lot of people. You are not untalented. You are the girl who's artwork fascinates me to no end, and who's painting is going to be the first piece of art that I put up no matter where I go. You are not ugly. You are so incredibly beautiful, and I wish that you could see it like other people do. Don't give up. I recognize that the temptation is there, but think about next year! Think about all of the possibilities looming out there! You are so close to stepping out of this little place, and into a whole new life. ALSO, whoever told you that about drawing ourselves prettier, was lying. If you want proof, watch Dove Real Beauty Sketches. Love you forever and for always <3
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:iconcoffaefox:
coffaefox Featured By Owner Jun 21, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
: ) I like you..
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:iconexpecto-patronus13:
Expecto-Patronus13 Featured By Owner Jun 22, 2013
The feeling is mutual <3
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:iconthe-elegant-ibis:
The-Elegant-Ibis Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I don't know what to really say... cause no matter how much people say its ok... its just words. I can't say i understand because, i don't feel what your feeling... I wish there is something i can do... i don't know you at all, but that doesn't stop me from wanting to help. I do know that our worse enemy is ourselves, and if you need to talk... type... to someone... i will listen.. read... you could message me. I'm sorry if my grammar is completely messed up.

P.s. I think you art is awesome X3 so.... yeah...
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:iconcoffaefox:
coffaefox Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I'm not much of a 'talker'. I'm more of a 'keep everything bottled up, then vent in a large paragraph' kind of person.
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:iconthe-elegant-ibis:
The-Elegant-Ibis Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Yeah i'm kinda that way to... but i don't post my vent art ^^; ... Still I'll listen if you ever need someone.
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:icontoxyk-melodi:
Toxyk-Melodi Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
:hug:
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