I deserve this...

I actually feel like shit. I just... I don't know, I feel so pointless and stupid.
I hate my art right now, and nothing is going how I want it to. This suck and everything's meaning is fading to me. People who are drawing my characters are getting markings wrong left and right, and it's actually making me cry. I don't know how specific I have to be with my references and I don't know why people keep getting my pride and joys wrong. Maybe I should stop getting you to draw my characters... I hate bringing it to light because I'm ashamed, but I have OCD and you have no idea how much it bothers me to see people draw my characters wrong.. the smallest thing to you can bring me so much pain. I can't stand it when a detail is over-looked and it just isn't.... my character anymore...

I feel horrible, I feel like crying, I feel like hurting something, I feel like screaming, I feel.... almost numb, but I can feel enough to be able to feel every negative emotion and this picture doesn't even come close to representing how I feel because I'm in a horrible art slump and everything I do sucks. Everything I try sucks. Everything I am sucks. I don't need advice on how to improve my art right now. I don't need you telling me "just keep practicing" "just keep working" "just try something new" "just work harder" I don't need that. I work so hard for my art "talent" and what do I get? Nothing. I get shit. I have worked.... so hard... for so many years... for 12 years I have worked non-stop on my art, and what do I get? I get no specific art 'style', no real 'talent', nothing. Nothing is what I have, and nothing is what I will always have. I am a failure, and I will always be a failure. You don't even know. You don't know me, and you don't know what I've been going through for so many years. I'm tired of this shit, and I just want everything to end for me.

I want to say "I don't deserve this, I don't deserve all the pain I experience on a daily basis, but I do. I deserve every little bit of pain, suffering, hurt, remorse, judgment... all of it. I deserve all of it, and I shouldn't complain... I shouldn't, but it's so unbearable, and it's not fucking going away. None of it is going anywhere.... it's like an old friend. It's been with me for years, and it's going to stick by me through thick and thin. Nothing can help me. Nothing can fix me. I'm so broken, nothing can hold me together forever. Few things, few people have a possibility, but... They'll all leave me in the end because who wants to be near a fucking failure, outcast, ugly nobody like me? No one. I was told the other day as I was trying to draw myself "Y'know, it's really saddening, because it's been scientifically proven that we all draw ourselves prettier than we actually are." She didn't know I was drawing myself. She didn't know I've been working since I fell to be able to draw myself accurately... She didn't know and she didn't know. I'm so ugly... I'm so unimportant... I'm so... I'm so nothing.

I am nothing

I deserve to die.